Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Student Council

Tomorrow Maddie is giving her speech in front of most of the school.  This was her idea.  She continues to amaze me.

When I was 9, I never would have considered running for Student Council Secretary.  I was too unsure of myself; too self-conscious.  Often, people will comment that Maddie is a "mini-me."  But, I am happy to report that in this way, that we are different.

She is braver than I was.  She loves more deeply than I do.  She accepts people more freely than I can.  She is goofier than I allow myself to be.  She reads more than I do.  She is better, brighter, bigger than life.  

When people raise children, you often hear them say they want their child(re) to grow up and be better than they themselves are.  I think I can already see that happening.

I do not want to toot my own horn or pretend the way Maddie sees the world has very much to do with me.  It's who she is; it's the way she was created.  Her faith is so strong.  Her confidence exudes forth from far away.  She is rarely embarrassed; she is courageous.

I am very proud of all 3 of my little ones but on the eve of her first speech ever, I am breathless.  She continues to do things I never believed I could.

Maybe part of that is due to the fact that she has such a huge support system; a big group of people who care so much for her.  They say that people that feel very loved and safe are able to provide that for others.

A village of people are literally helping me raise her, so we must be doing something right.

Vote Maddie Mejias for Student Council Secretary 2015
"Get More M&M's in Your Life!" 

Sunday, October 11, 2015

Maddie is 9!

Dear Maddie,
   I cannot believe you are 9.  It is what every mother says, every year their baby becomes older, but this time it is very hard to believe.  I'm watching you.  Every day.  You are becoming exactly who you started out as.  The exact person I saw in you from the beginning.  
  You have the best heart.  That is how I would describe you in a nut shell (pun intended now that we have just realized your allergy to tree nuts ; )  But, seriously.  You see the good in everything.  It is so beautiful that it is actually heart breaking.  I wish so often for the world to be more the way you see it and believe it to be.  
  This morning when I gave you your birthday card and present, you cried.  You cried happy tears out of excitement for being 9 and for being able to score front row seats to a play that you wanted to see. It touched my heart.  That my gift to you, which did not cost much, meant so much to you.  It made me feel like I know you.  And I know you so well.  That makes a momma's heart smile.
  You had this amazing birthday with all of your closest friends and even one of my students.  It made me happy to see you so content; so included; in such a wonderful community of little people.  When you were little, I always prayed for you to find the right friends and by that I meant the good ones; the ones that build you up, that you have fun with, and that stick around.  As we were celebrating today I looked around and I saw Nonnie and 2 of my best friends from high school.  And I was reminded that I meant one of them when I was only 1 year older than you are today.  And that is mind blowing.  It is also a testament to the way I've always picked friends.  And how much I value and hopefully teach you loyalty.  At the same time that I enjoyed seeing my friends and family, I truly missed our friends back east.  They have such love for you after watching you grow up your whole life.  And for that, my heart was sad.  
  So, Madeline, your birthday was extraordinary.  You said several times that it was your best birthday ever.  And I feel the same.  I couldn't be more proud of who you are and who you are becoming.  I love you more than you know.


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Grace's 7th Birthday

Dearest Grace, 
  It has been almost 20 days since you turned 7 and I am usually so much more together than this.  I usually type this note to you on the actual day.  But I realized that with so much going on for all of us, I would let it be okay that this is a little late.  And I am believing that you will see it this way too.  
  You are so amazing.  Let's start there.  You have a giant smile that is just getting better with age.  You have an open heart and you are wise beyond your years.  At your new school you've already make tons of friends-many of them happen to be 2nd graders (even though you are a first grader).  I think kids and adults sense how special you are.  
  You are an avid reader, just like your sister.  You are into Judy Moody books right now and I can often find you curled up in your bed reading, just because you feel like it.  It makes my heart happy to see you doing this.  
  You are my healthiest eater and the one most interested in cooking.  In fact, for Halloween you plan to be a chef.  It is a costume that suits you perfectly!  
  When Maddie turned 7, we had a very special day for her.  Now that you were turning, I thought it fitting that you get your chance to have a limousine just for you.  It was a surprise and the first picture below is of you sitting in the limo for the first time that day.  You were in shock and so excited.  All of the women on the West Coast who love you deeply, made it a point to be there that day.  It was very, very special and it fit your personality to a tee.  
  I'm so thankful for you, Grace.  You make me see things differently, you teach me patience, and most of all you bring me so much joy and pride.  Thank you for being such an amazing little girl.   


Monday, August 17, 2015


A new beginning is on the horizon.  After 9.5 years as a stay-at-home mom, I am returning to full time work as a Fourth Grade Teacher tomorrow.

There are so many ways that I can reason to how I got here; to this place, right now.  But, instead of that, I want to say this:

  • Years ago my mother warned me to never let my teaching credential lapse because we never know what's coming next.
  • I listened and even though I had a newborn (often) and the classes were for teachers who had actual students ( I made mine up), I completed every course needed to renew my license multiple times.  And I never knew why I would need it.  
  • I moved to CA on faith.  Faith that whatever is coming is better than what I was leaving.  But having no clue as to what that would be.  
  • I made a vision board.  It is a reminder of what I want to see in my life.  I look at it every single day.  It encourages me.
  • I prayed for a job that was part time and near where I live.  The answer came from an educators website and it led me to a school downtown.  
  • At the interview (for a job far below my pay-grade and education level) I was hired on the spot.   Then, I was asked to interview for the fourth grade job for the fall.  I was told all about the school and even given tips by the principal of good talking points for my panel interview later that week. 
  • I studied every night that week.  After the kids went to bed, I read everything there was to know about education.  I recited it in the shower.  It was my focus. 
  • I went to an interview on a Friday and was told they would have their decision later the next week.  
  • The phone rang Monday morning and the principal offered me the job.  (The job I didn't even mean to apply for/know I wanted).  I asked for time to make this huge decision.  And to figure out logistics of our life (daycare, the girls' school).
  • Visited the on-site preschool in late May (when preschools are full for the fall) and they had room for MJ to come full time.  And they would offer me a discount on tuition as an employee.  
  • Told the girls about the decision and both volunteered to come with me.  To leave their newly beloved school to be with me; for us to all be together.  
  • Asked the HR dept. about my salary and benefits and came to learn they would be paying me for all of my units above my bachelors degree!!!!!!!  And they pay a large percentage of the health care for the whole family, and dental, and vision.  
  • All summer I have been working tirelessly.  I have hired sitters so I can work in my classroom. I have prayed for the students I will be receiving.  I have cried, cussed and been elated at times.  This is what I was meant to do.  This thought keeps hitting me; It is good to be back.  
Happy First Week Back to any teachers out there.  But mostly, this whole post is a reminder of all of the ways God has carried me.  He has shown me time and time again that He is for me, He is faithful, and all I need to do is believe and surrender.  He has got this.  He has got me.  He has got them. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.~ Jeremiah 29:11

Saturday, June 27, 2015


Dear Mason,

   Today you are 3 years old and I am elated!!!  Seriously.  Since you were born, I couldn't wait for this moment because it meant I would see the light at the end of the baby tunnel (no pun intended ;)  And it is coming true!  You are ALL BOY, ALL THE TIME.  I say this a lot about you.  You are always climbing, hitting, punching, biting and being aggressive.  You have a really sweet, soft side, but it's only reserved for when you are feeling sick or super shy.  So, basically it's rare.

  You also seem to live on milk and "crail-mix"(aka, trail-mix, aka chocolate).  Only kidding!  You can really make a dent in cheese and crackers ;)  You are too busy to stop to eat, so this is how it works.  What can I say?  You are the 3rd :)  

  We are together a lot and next year this will change for you and me.  I know we are both ready for it, but it's another shift in a shifty sort of year.  And you should know that you are a champ.  You have gone with the flow this year and been amazing; my true sidekick.  Part of this is your intense desire to stay home all the time.  You insist every day is a "stay-home day" and not a day-care day.  It cracks me up.  

  They say a little boy can really grab your heart and I'm here to say that is 100% true.  I am all yours big guy and I am super lucky you're mine.

Friday, June 19, 2015


I don't know where to start so I just will.

The feelings are overwhelming.  I'm here in a town I lived in for the past 10 years, and I feel lost.

I see glimpses of my old life and the tears begin.  Why does this visit feel so hard?  Why does it seem to be a constant reminder of all that we had and all that did not work.

The timing of this is another thing.  My divorce is in the final moments of becoming official; of having an actual date to remember as the day we are divorced.

Coming here, I did not even sort of anticipate any of these feelings and now they won't stop coming; one on top of another.  The friends, the family, the memories, keep coming and I can't breathe.....

I know that the fact that Gabe and I can be together to celebrate Mason turning 3 is beautiful.  We are showing our children that we keep our word.  We are demonstrating that while we don't want to be married anymore, we are kind, friendly, respectful and even happy around one another.  We are both freer this way.  But, it doesn't change how confusing it is to host a party with your soon to be ex-husband and feel like nothing has changed and that everything has changed.

I am sad tonight.  I basically went to dinner with a friend and maybe had a panic attack.  I felt clammy, nauseous, anxious and I just wanted to come home.  Now I'm here in a rented condo, down the street from a home I used to own and love and I feel heartbroken.  A lot of dreams lived in that house.  And seeing it yesterday reminded me of loss.  And it hurts.

All of this isn't to take away from our happiness in our new life.  We are all doing so well; thriving as I've written before.  But this visit has me shaken.  They say it takes an entire year to really start feeling better.  And we are at 9 months of this new life.

For now there is only room to feel the feelings and allow them for what they are.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2015


You guys just left.  Actually it was 20 minutes ago, but since you left, I've been crying and wandering through your rooms.  I re-made your beds and straightened everything up for when you get back. 

It is way too quiet in this house.  Which is such a strange thing to think considering how often I wish for some peace and quiet.  But, this is just quiet....I don't feel at peace.  Each car that drives by has me looking to see if you came back because you forgot something.....

Today is yet another first for us.  We've had 9 months of firsts; first day of school, first sleepover with friends, first time roller skating, first Christmas on our own, and now the first time you go to Virginia without me.  Grace, you are the saddest today.  You stood in the driveway, in tears, saying you weren't going.  Maddie, you were so strong.  I saw your big blue eyes wanting to cry, but then I saw your strength.  You are allowed to be sad, scared, unsure.  That's part of all of this.  I feel that way too.  Mason, you kept saying you just want to stay home with me.  That's something you say everyday.  Even when you are only going to daycare.  You are a total homebody :) 

It is hard for my mind to comprehend.  The fact that you are all going out of state without me.  It is right and it makes sense logically, but emotionally it is wrenching.  I know who I am without all of my "ducks" trailing behind me everywhere I go, but at the same time, I don't.  I always feel like my life started when I had you, Maddie.  And life just kept getting better when I had you, Grace.  And then it was complete and perfect when you came along, Mason.  Everything that has truly mattered has happened to me in the last 9 years. 

I am telling myself that you are all resting in the car driving to San Francisco.  And that you are going to have an easy flight tomorrow.  You will arrive and head straight to your Grammie's house where you will be spoiled rotten and feel content. 

I'm taking care of myself and Tuck while you're gone.  I will see friends, do my yoga (without someone crawling on top of me (Mason)), and I will rest.  I will fit in some fun too. 

As a single mom, I wish for a break a lot.  It is a tiring life; physically and emotionally to do what I do with and for you day in and day out.  But, it is THE most important thing I've ever done.  Being your mom is what I was made for.  It is the whole point.  So, even though we will be thousands of miles apart for the next week, I am still here.  Still available to you anytime.  Still your mom. 

Be kind to each other and brush your teeth. 
I love you each for who you are. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Occidental Young Writers Award

Occidental Young Writers Award from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Maddie entered a writing contest at her school last month.  On Thursday night we were invited to a reception  to see if she won honorable mention, 3rd, 2nd or 1st place.  It was so exciting to see her win an award for how smart she is.  She is an author.  And in her own words, she is "unstoppable."  

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Well. I cannot believe it's been 2 months since I last posted.   Time flies and it's not only based on fun.

April was a tough month.  Glad to see it go.  Lots to deal with in terms of kids, schedules, Gabe's visit, etc.  It made me tired. I suppose my life makes me tired.

Now it's half way through May and while there are so many things to be grateful for, I find myself sad and stressed.

This week has been a whirlwind.  I've interviewed for 2 teaching jobs and I'm preparing for another interview; all while working part time and running 3 kids in 3 different directions.  On my own.

So, I want to say here that I'm learning something about myself and about society at large.  I'm learning that even though I had a single mom, I didn't get or understand what that was all about.  And to take it a step further and to be honest, when I saw single moms at birthday parties or social gatherings in the past, I think I made up a story about them in my head.  Key to note here is that anything I made up about their situation was very rarely empathetic or compassionate.  This makes me super ashamed.

Because, guess what!  Now, I'm that woman.  I'm that mom.  The one with 3 kids who is trying to do the things I used to do (with a partner) on my own.  I'm the person trying to work, figure out child care costs, and be amazing in general.  And there are some days where that is seamless and others where I feel fucked and alone.  Man, it is such a mind game. This whole thing. 

To illustrate: today we were going to the birthday party of one of my bestie's daughters.  I was looking forward to it.  Thought it would be fun to chit chat while my 3 kids jumped in the bounce house and we sipped sauvignon blanc.  Clearly, this was a fantasy and the reality I found myself in was with 3 CLINGY kids who had various injuries, levels of tiredness and our trusty, constant companion, hunger. 
UGH.  All I do is everything.  Literally.  I feed them (constantly).  I pay attention to the stories, words, sentences, etc all the time.  I hug them and get them ice during injuries.  Of course I do.  But, you know what?  I thought the bouncy house at the party would keep them busy, entertained and happy.  Instead, it gave them one million more reasons to need me and to cling to me.  There wasn't a moment when I wasn't holding someone, fixing a bloody nose, getting someone cake, or helping them in the bathroom.  I was so overwhelmed and I was in place (Laura's house) where I'm always so at home.  So I felt stressed and teary.  I literally almost lost it with tears and a pity party in Laura's backyard.  

I also felt guilty.  All those times I've seen a divorced mom at a child's birthday party and wondered:  Why was the kid dressed that way?  It's probably not that hard (since she only has one kid).  She probably gets a lot of help from the dad since I'm sure he's local . Etc.  ALL OF THIS IS BULLSHIT. 

So, I apologize; not just a weak "I'm sorry" but a deep, from the soul apology.   To any mom that I've thought this of. Whether single or married or separated.  The truth is that there is a lot of freedom in doing this parenting thing on my own.  But there is a ton of loneliness, feeling less than and self -doubt as well.  There are so many moments where failure is all you feel and all you tell yourself.  And that is wearing.  There is also so much comparison which no one talks about.  I found myself thinking that these women with their wedding rings still in place, have no idea that I used to be one of them.  I wore my ring with pride, kept my home with dignity, and felt secure knowing I had those things.  But now I don't have any of that.  Does that make me less than?  NO WAY!  But are the feelings there?  HELL YES.

Today I caught such a glimpse from God.  I saw my children tired, vulnerable, sad and my heart felt broken. I felt like that's how I appear to God.   It reminded me that we are still grieving.  We have lost all that we knew to be true.  And many days we forget all that.  But a family birthday party is bound to bring that up.  Just thinking of last May.....we were still a family of 5; still us.  And now it's us and him.  And today that made me sad and reflective. 

I will always want the best for my children.  I am with them all the time as a testimony to that.  I do not date because I'm not ready and because right now I see myself as faithful to them; to our family.  The time will come.  And God will show me when I'm ready.

Tonight was hard for me.  Sad.  But I know each sunrise brings new hope.  So, I'm banking on that.  It's really all I can do!

Monday, March 23, 2015

My birthday has come and gone.  And let me say, it was perfect.

I was with people closest to me (on this coast) and I heard from everyone I love dearly.

I think most importantly, I got to be me.  Just me.  No kids.  No husband.  Just fun and laughter and dancing.  Yes, there was dancing.  And it felt good.

During the past 6 months, it has been easy at times to feel out of it.  Not like me; not like anyone really.  But, I'm figuring out what I want.  What matters and how I feel about things.

Oh, and I'm not really dealing with the bullshit anymore.  So, that feels like freedom.

And freedom looks good on me ;-)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

day 55



day 54


Sunday, March 15, 2015

day 52 and day 53


This weekend has been a busy one.  The kind of weekend that makes me just want to sleep all day today, Sunday, which is totally not possible.

Friday night we went to the play at the girls' school.  It was SO good, but also super long.  Then, yesterday we were in a commercial.  Super random how it all came about but it was a long day, and very fun.  Maddie received her first paycheck (yes, it's made out to me, but I'm cashing it for her).  She plans to buy a fish tank and a fish to keep in her room.  I'm happy to hear this, because when she first realized she was going to get $150, she claimed she would be using the money to buy "100 packs of gum!"  Hilarious and a very second grade thing to want to buy.  

Tomorrow is the start of another week.  And at the end of that week, I will be 37.  Cannot believe that age is here.  So much has changed in this year of being 36.  It's actually pretty hard to picture last year's birthday..... But, life moves on and so did I.  Excited to celebrate next weekend :)