Sunday, May 17, 2015

Well. I cannot believe it's been 2 months since I last posted.   Time flies and it's not only based on fun.

April was a tough month.  Glad to see it go.  Lots to deal with in terms of kids, schedules, Gabe's visit, etc.  It made me tired. I suppose my life makes me tired.

Now it's half way through May and while there are so many things to be grateful for, I find myself sad and stressed.

This week has been a whirlwind.  I've interviewed for 2 teaching jobs and I'm preparing for another interview; all while working part time and running 3 kids in 3 different directions.  On my own.

So, I want to say here that I'm learning something about myself and about society at large.  I'm learning that even though I had a single mom, I didn't get or understand what that was all about.  And to take it a step further and to be honest, when I saw single moms at birthday parties or social gatherings in the past, I think I made up a story about them in my head.  Key to note here is that anything I made up about their situation was very rarely empathetic or compassionate.  This makes me super ashamed.

Because, guess what!  Now, I'm that woman.  I'm that mom.  The one with 3 kids who is trying to do the things I used to do (with a partner) on my own.  I'm the person trying to work, figure out child care costs, and be amazing in general.  And there are some days where that is seamless and others where I feel fucked and alone.  Man, it is such a mind game. This whole thing. 

To illustrate: today we were going to the birthday party of one of my bestie's daughters.  I was looking forward to it.  Thought it would be fun to chit chat while my 3 kids jumped in the bounce house and we sipped sauvignon blanc.  Clearly, this was a fantasy and the reality I found myself in was with 3 CLINGY kids who had various injuries, levels of tiredness and our trusty, constant companion, hunger. 
UGH.  All I do is everything.  Literally.  I feed them (constantly).  I pay attention to the stories, words, sentences, etc all the time.  I hug them and get them ice during injuries.  Of course I do.  But, you know what?  I thought the bouncy house at the party would keep them busy, entertained and happy.  Instead, it gave them one million more reasons to need me and to cling to me.  There wasn't a moment when I wasn't holding someone, fixing a bloody nose, getting someone cake, or helping them in the bathroom.  I was so overwhelmed and I was in place (Laura's house) where I'm always so at home.  So I felt stressed and teary.  I literally almost lost it with tears and a pity party in Laura's backyard.  

I also felt guilty.  All those times I've seen a divorced mom at a child's birthday party and wondered:  Why was the kid dressed that way?  It's probably not that hard (since she only has one kid).  She probably gets a lot of help from the dad since I'm sure he's local . Etc.  ALL OF THIS IS BULLSHIT. 

So, I apologize; not just a weak "I'm sorry" but a deep, from the soul apology.   To any mom that I've thought this of. Whether single or married or separated.  The truth is that there is a lot of freedom in doing this parenting thing on my own.  But there is a ton of loneliness, feeling less than and self -doubt as well.  There are so many moments where failure is all you feel and all you tell yourself.  And that is wearing.  There is also so much comparison which no one talks about.  I found myself thinking that these women with their wedding rings still in place, have no idea that I used to be one of them.  I wore my ring with pride, kept my home with dignity, and felt secure knowing I had those things.  But now I don't have any of that.  Does that make me less than?  NO WAY!  But are the feelings there?  HELL YES.

Today I caught such a glimpse from God.  I saw my children tired, vulnerable, sad and my heart felt broken. I felt like that's how I appear to God.   It reminded me that we are still grieving.  We have lost all that we knew to be true.  And many days we forget all that.  But a family birthday party is bound to bring that up.  Just thinking of last May.....we were still a family of 5; still us.  And now it's us and him.  And today that made me sad and reflective. 

I will always want the best for my children.  I am with them all the time as a testimony to that.  I do not date because I'm not ready and because right now I see myself as faithful to them; to our family.  The time will come.  And God will show me when I'm ready.

Tonight was hard for me.  Sad.  But I know each sunrise brings new hope.  So, I'm banking on that.  It's really all I can do!

Monday, March 23, 2015

My birthday has come and gone.  And let me say, it was perfect.

I was with people closest to me (on this coast) and I heard from everyone I love dearly.

I think most importantly, I got to be me.  Just me.  No kids.  No husband.  Just fun and laughter and dancing.  Yes, there was dancing.  And it felt good.

During the past 6 months, it has been easy at times to feel out of it.  Not like me; not like anyone really.  But, I'm figuring out what I want.  What matters and how I feel about things.

Oh, and I'm not really dealing with the bullshit anymore.  So, that feels like freedom.

And freedom looks good on me ;-)

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

day 55



day 54


Sunday, March 15, 2015

day 52 and day 53


This weekend has been a busy one.  The kind of weekend that makes me just want to sleep all day today, Sunday, which is totally not possible.

Friday night we went to the play at the girls' school.  It was SO good, but also super long.  Then, yesterday we were in a commercial.  Super random how it all came about but it was a long day, and very fun.  Maddie received her first paycheck (yes, it's made out to me, but I'm cashing it for her).  She plans to buy a fish tank and a fish to keep in her room.  I'm happy to hear this, because when she first realized she was going to get $150, she claimed she would be using the money to buy "100 packs of gum!"  Hilarious and a very second grade thing to want to buy.  

Tomorrow is the start of another week.  And at the end of that week, I will be 37.  Cannot believe that age is here.  So much has changed in this year of being 36.  It's actually pretty hard to picture last year's birthday..... But, life moves on and so did I.  Excited to celebrate next weekend :)

Saturday, March 14, 2015

day 51



Thursday, March 12, 2015

day 50


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

day 48




Monday, March 9, 2015

day 47


day 46


Thursday, March 5, 2015

day 43


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

day 42


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

day 41


Sunday, March 1, 2015

day 39 and day 40

Spending my whole weekend with these ladies!  

Saturday, February 28, 2015

day 38


Friday, February 27, 2015

day 37


Thursday, February 26, 2015

day 36


Tuesday, February 24, 2015

day 35


Monday, February 23, 2015

day 34