Saturday, June 27, 2015

~3~





Dear Mason,

   Today you are 3 years old and I am elated!!!  Seriously.  Since you were born, I couldn't wait for this moment because it meant I would see the light at the end of the baby tunnel (no pun intended ;)  And it is coming true!  You are ALL BOY, ALL THE TIME.  I say this a lot about you.  You are always climbing, hitting, punching, biting and being aggressive.  You have a really sweet, soft side, but it's only reserved for when you are feeling sick or super shy.  So, basically it's rare.

  You also seem to live on milk and "crail-mix"(aka, trail-mix, aka chocolate).  Only kidding!  You can really make a dent in cheese and crackers ;)  You are too busy to stop to eat, so this is how it works.  What can I say?  You are the 3rd :)  

  We are together a lot and next year this will change for you and me.  I know we are both ready for it, but it's another shift in a shifty sort of year.  And you should know that you are a champ.  You have gone with the flow this year and been amazing; my true sidekick.  Part of this is your intense desire to stay home all the time.  You insist every day is a "stay-home day" and not a day-care day.  It cracks me up.  

  They say a little boy can really grab your heart and I'm here to say that is 100% true.  I am all yours big guy and I am super lucky you're mine.
 
  Love,
  Mommy
 

Friday, June 19, 2015

shaken

I don't know where to start so I just will.

The feelings are overwhelming.  I'm here in a town I lived in for the past 10 years, and I feel lost.

I see glimpses of my old life and the tears begin.  Why does this visit feel so hard?  Why does it seem to be a constant reminder of all that we had and all that did not work.

The timing of this is another thing.  My divorce is in the final moments of becoming official; of having an actual date to remember as the day we are divorced.

Coming here, I did not even sort of anticipate any of these feelings and now they won't stop coming; one on top of another.  The friends, the family, the memories, keep coming and I can't breathe.....

I know that the fact that Gabe and I can be together to celebrate Mason turning 3 is beautiful.  We are showing our children that we keep our word.  We are demonstrating that while we don't want to be married anymore, we are kind, friendly, respectful and even happy around one another.  We are both freer this way.  But, it doesn't change how confusing it is to host a party with your soon to be ex-husband and feel like nothing has changed and that everything has changed.

I am sad tonight.  I basically went to dinner with a friend and maybe had a panic attack.  I felt clammy, nauseous, anxious and I just wanted to come home.  Now I'm here in a rented condo, down the street from a home I used to own and love and I feel heartbroken.  A lot of dreams lived in that house.  And seeing it yesterday reminded me of loss.  And it hurts.

All of this isn't to take away from our happiness in our new life.  We are all doing so well; thriving as I've written before.  But this visit has me shaken.  They say it takes an entire year to really start feeling better.  And we are at 9 months of this new life.

For now there is only room to feel the feelings and allow them for what they are.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Silence

You guys just left.  Actually it was 20 minutes ago, but since you left, I've been crying and wandering through your rooms.  I re-made your beds and straightened everything up for when you get back. 

It is way too quiet in this house.  Which is such a strange thing to think considering how often I wish for some peace and quiet.  But, this is just quiet....I don't feel at peace.  Each car that drives by has me looking to see if you came back because you forgot something.....

Today is yet another first for us.  We've had 9 months of firsts; first day of school, first sleepover with friends, first time roller skating, first Christmas on our own, and now the first time you go to Virginia without me.  Grace, you are the saddest today.  You stood in the driveway, in tears, saying you weren't going.  Maddie, you were so strong.  I saw your big blue eyes wanting to cry, but then I saw your strength.  You are allowed to be sad, scared, unsure.  That's part of all of this.  I feel that way too.  Mason, you kept saying you just want to stay home with me.  That's something you say everyday.  Even when you are only going to daycare.  You are a total homebody :) 

It is hard for my mind to comprehend.  The fact that you are all going out of state without me.  It is right and it makes sense logically, but emotionally it is wrenching.  I know who I am without all of my "ducks" trailing behind me everywhere I go, but at the same time, I don't.  I always feel like my life started when I had you, Maddie.  And life just kept getting better when I had you, Grace.  And then it was complete and perfect when you came along, Mason.  Everything that has truly mattered has happened to me in the last 9 years. 

I am telling myself that you are all resting in the car driving to San Francisco.  And that you are going to have an easy flight tomorrow.  You will arrive and head straight to your Grammie's house where you will be spoiled rotten and feel content. 

I'm taking care of myself and Tuck while you're gone.  I will see friends, do my yoga (without someone crawling on top of me (Mason)), and I will rest.  I will fit in some fun too. 

As a single mom, I wish for a break a lot.  It is a tiring life; physically and emotionally to do what I do with and for you day in and day out.  But, it is THE most important thing I've ever done.  Being your mom is what I was made for.  It is the whole point.  So, even though we will be thousands of miles apart for the next week, I am still here.  Still available to you anytime.  Still your mom. 

Be kind to each other and brush your teeth. 
I love you each for who you are. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Occidental Young Writers Award

Occidental Young Writers Award from Sarah Mejias on Vimeo.

Maddie entered a writing contest at her school last month.  On Thursday night we were invited to a reception  to see if she won honorable mention, 3rd, 2nd or 1st place.  It was so exciting to see her win an award for how smart she is.  She is an author.  And in her own words, she is "unstoppable."  

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Well. I cannot believe it's been 2 months since I last posted.   Time flies and it's not only based on fun.

April was a tough month.  Glad to see it go.  Lots to deal with in terms of kids, schedules, Gabe's visit, etc.  It made me tired. I suppose my life makes me tired.

Now it's half way through May and while there are so many things to be grateful for, I find myself sad and stressed.

This week has been a whirlwind.  I've interviewed for 2 teaching jobs and I'm preparing for another interview; all while working part time and running 3 kids in 3 different directions.  On my own.

So, I want to say here that I'm learning something about myself and about society at large.  I'm learning that even though I had a single mom, I didn't get or understand what that was all about.  And to take it a step further and to be honest, when I saw single moms at birthday parties or social gatherings in the past, I think I made up a story about them in my head.  Key to note here is that anything I made up about their situation was very rarely empathetic or compassionate.  This makes me super ashamed.

Because, guess what!  Now, I'm that woman.  I'm that mom.  The one with 3 kids who is trying to do the things I used to do (with a partner) on my own.  I'm the person trying to work, figure out child care costs, and be amazing in general.  And there are some days where that is seamless and others where I feel fucked and alone.  Man, it is such a mind game. This whole thing. 

To illustrate: today we were going to the birthday party of one of my bestie's daughters.  I was looking forward to it.  Thought it would be fun to chit chat while my 3 kids jumped in the bounce house and we sipped sauvignon blanc.  Clearly, this was a fantasy and the reality I found myself in was with 3 CLINGY kids who had various injuries, levels of tiredness and our trusty, constant companion, hunger. 
UGH.  All I do is everything.  Literally.  I feed them (constantly).  I pay attention to the stories, words, sentences, etc all the time.  I hug them and get them ice during injuries.  Of course I do.  But, you know what?  I thought the bouncy house at the party would keep them busy, entertained and happy.  Instead, it gave them one million more reasons to need me and to cling to me.  There wasn't a moment when I wasn't holding someone, fixing a bloody nose, getting someone cake, or helping them in the bathroom.  I was so overwhelmed and I was in place (Laura's house) where I'm always so at home.  So I felt stressed and teary.  I literally almost lost it with tears and a pity party in Laura's backyard.  

I also felt guilty.  All those times I've seen a divorced mom at a child's birthday party and wondered:  Why was the kid dressed that way?  It's probably not that hard (since she only has one kid).  She probably gets a lot of help from the dad since I'm sure he's local . Etc.  ALL OF THIS IS BULLSHIT. 

So, I apologize; not just a weak "I'm sorry" but a deep, from the soul apology.   To any mom that I've thought this of. Whether single or married or separated.  The truth is that there is a lot of freedom in doing this parenting thing on my own.  But there is a ton of loneliness, feeling less than and self -doubt as well.  There are so many moments where failure is all you feel and all you tell yourself.  And that is wearing.  There is also so much comparison which no one talks about.  I found myself thinking that these women with their wedding rings still in place, have no idea that I used to be one of them.  I wore my ring with pride, kept my home with dignity, and felt secure knowing I had those things.  But now I don't have any of that.  Does that make me less than?  NO WAY!  But are the feelings there?  HELL YES.

Today I caught such a glimpse from God.  I saw my children tired, vulnerable, sad and my heart felt broken. I felt like that's how I appear to God.   It reminded me that we are still grieving.  We have lost all that we knew to be true.  And many days we forget all that.  But a family birthday party is bound to bring that up.  Just thinking of last May.....we were still a family of 5; still us.  And now it's us and him.  And today that made me sad and reflective. 

I will always want the best for my children.  I am with them all the time as a testimony to that.  I do not date because I'm not ready and because right now I see myself as faithful to them; to our family.  The time will come.  And God will show me when I'm ready.

Tonight was hard for me.  Sad.  But I know each sunrise brings new hope.  So, I'm banking on that.  It's really all I can do!

Monday, March 23, 2015

My birthday has come and gone.  And let me say, it was perfect.

I was with people closest to me (on this coast) and I heard from everyone I love dearly.

I think most importantly, I got to be me.  Just me.  No kids.  No husband.  Just fun and laughter and dancing.  Yes, there was dancing.  And it felt good.

During the past 6 months, it has been easy at times to feel out of it.  Not like me; not like anyone really.  But, I'm figuring out what I want.  What matters and how I feel about things.

Oh, and I'm not really dealing with the bullshit anymore.  So, that feels like freedom.

And freedom looks good on me ;-)










Tuesday, March 17, 2015

day 55

#hisnewstandardpose
#cruisingthemall
#justhimandI 

#everythingisnavy

day 54


#makingadressforMaddie
#sewingwithNonnie
#happiness

Sunday, March 15, 2015

day 52 and day 53


#herfirstpaycheck
#shewasinacommercial
#funday!

This weekend has been a busy one.  The kind of weekend that makes me just want to sleep all day today, Sunday, which is totally not possible.

Friday night we went to the play at the girls' school.  It was SO good, but also super long.  Then, yesterday we were in a commercial.  Super random how it all came about but it was a long day, and very fun.  Maddie received her first paycheck (yes, it's made out to me, but I'm cashing it for her).  She plans to buy a fish tank and a fish to keep in her room.  I'm happy to hear this, because when she first realized she was going to get $150, she claimed she would be using the money to buy "100 packs of gum!"  Hilarious and a very second grade thing to want to buy.  

Tomorrow is the start of another week.  And at the end of that week, I will be 37.  Cannot believe that age is here.  So much has changed in this year of being 36.  It's actually pretty hard to picture last year's birthday..... But, life moves on and so did I.  Excited to celebrate next weekend :)

Saturday, March 14, 2015

day 51

#perfectmason
#wateraftermymassage
#healing


#schoolplaytonight
#girlsnightout
#narnia

Thursday, March 12, 2015

day 50

#wespendeveryThursdayafternoontogether
#gypsycafe
#beauty

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

day 48

#morningchecklists
#day1
#madelifewayeasiertoday

#afterschoolreading

#happyboywithanumbrella
#lovestolounge

Monday, March 9, 2015

day 47

#newfavbracelets
#peacelifegratitude
#alsotodaygracebecameavegetarian.....

day 46

 
#internationalwomensday
#truth
#thankfultofinallyknowthis

Thursday, March 5, 2015

day 43

 
#basically
#"you'regoneandi'mstillalive"
#amen

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

day 42



#enjoyingthescenery
#takingcareofme

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

day 41

#tonight
#toomanythingstoblog
#thankfultolivehonestly

Sunday, March 1, 2015

day 39 and day 40


Spending my whole weekend with these ladies!  

Saturday, February 28, 2015

day 38

 
#wentouttodinnerwiththerents
#inappropriatefooddecor
#sillymood
#tgif